The Doubt Within
I haven't written an article in quite some time and I can admit it's because of the many doubts within that I have been facing. I really don't even know how to start it off because of the pesky voice that is saying I have nothing to amount to but I'll write on. It all started on the Fourth of July where the word independence made its declaration loud in my brain. I was in the confinement of my home, sitting on top of my bed eating a large Jet's Pizza and their fudge brownie cake, I realized how trapped I still was in my addiction to food. I had the freedom to choose what toppings I wanted, what restaurant I desired but I also had the choice to take care of my body. Now don't get me wrong, the holidays are a time of festivity to spend with your family and partake in all the food (in moderation) what your heart so please but I had already done that. I had already eaten my burger, fries and all the good stuff. The Jet's pizza was a secret order no one knew had happened and the way I cleaned it up made it look like it was never ordered in the first place.
I knew my intentions behind it and it wasn't good. I wanted something to take my mind off the emotional pain buried deep in me and the doubt of achieving my goal of living a healthy lifestyle. It is something I have tried to embark on but I've kept failing many times. I asked myself, why? The answer? I really do not believe I can get there. I look back and the failures have spoken for itself, but no one had created that failure except me. I was the one who agreed to taking that extra cupcake. I was the one who spoke about getting take out when there were groceries in our home perfectly good enough to make a balanced meal. I was the one who grabbed that cookie and ate the entirety of deliciousness within those sleeves. It was my hand, my brain, my mouth, my choice.
I have no self control.
I have no belief that I could do it.
Yet, the next day rolls alone and I make my plan hoping next time it'd be different but it's the same chaos. The doubt within speaks boldly and I let it have a voice.
On the day of Independence, I realize it takes a fight and a strong conviction to believe that you can achieve the dreams of freedom. It takes might and discipline, so I stopped myself from eating that entire box. I only ate half of that pizza and half of that brownie. I admit to you it is the next day and a tiny part of me wishes I had eaten that whole food but this really strikes how much I depend on food for happiness. I must find a different outlet. Here I am starting with change. Only eating half of those is huge and my brother had in the past seen that monstrosity. He knows how much I can eat a large pizza all to myself. It is truly not healthy and every bite I felt my heart beg for mercy.
Sometimes the doubt within can be the beginning of a new meaning and in this instance it brought in me a chance to try again in this journey of a healthy life. This time I will give the voice of my doubt a different beat. It no longer has to beat me down, it can be a stepping guide into why I cave easily and that push I need to start up once again. There is no need to stay down there if it is not something I want.
So my friend, this is a way of saying that whatever you may be struggling with you're not alone. It is not all hopeless and you won't be kept in this dark pit. There is a way out if there is a way in. If there's not a way out, then we will make one. I, for one, know an Author who's a way-maker, miracle worker and a light in the darkness: Jesus Christ.
There's hope in Him.
There's freedom found in Him.
In that, there is also community, there's professionals out there who chose to spend their time helping others in need. There's friends and there's family. It takes our choice, my choice to speak up and admit that I am weak. That I was never meant to do this on my own. We need that support and the stronghold which is within our reach.
I feel like ending this with some bible verses. It is just nice to know, even if you do not believe in the Bible, that people stated in there are well known in a large community, to have struggled too. Take heart, dear friend. Let your worries and troubles be known for you are cared for tremendously.
"I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life--- that when I want to do what is right. I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
"We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives . We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin."